Ten Keys to Emotional Intelligence

Article by Elena Beloff

Emotional intelligence is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.

Emotional challenges happen when you are at a discord with people around you: family, friends, colleagues, loved ones. The examples of emotional challenges are: feeling of anger, disconnect, aloneness, resentment, vengeance, blaming and etc. You feel as if the world is ignoring you. You feel disconnected.

When you have certain level of emotional intelligence, you can connect to people and maintain relationships that are happy, peaceful and growth producing. The result is, you feel joy from being connected to yourself and others, naturally.

Here are the TEN keys to pave your path to Emotional Intelligence:

1. You know yourself.

You understand your patterns, behaviors, what your fears are and where they come from. You have resolved your mommy and daddy issues. When you clearly identify your patterns, limiting beliefs and their origin and take complete and full responsibly for them - you are one step forward in your emotional growth.

 2. You are emotionally independent.

You don't need your parent, girlfriend, wife, husband or a child to give you attention or love to make you feel whole. You love yourself and you feel whole on your own. Your peace doesn't depend on anyone. Emotional independence is just as important as financial independence. You don't want another person to feel that they are your emotional drug, which you depend on. This is not attractive, and they will not feel comfortable being in the same space with you. You don't want people to try to detract from you. You want them to come to you and enjoy staying with you.

3. You never judge people.

Everyone has a personal journey. You will never know another person's full story. If you are emotionally intelligent, you never judge people's appearance, color, orientation, job, views or how they handle things. Judging people or labeling them is similar to a gossip, it takes a lot of time and energy. Wouldn't you rather spend that time and energy on something productive instead?

4. You don't crave emotional connection.

One of the greatest meditations called Vipassana can teach you how to be balanced. You will develop the equanimity of the mind and it will help you cut addiction to anything that produces pleasant feelings and emotions. This is very important, because once again, you will cut your dependance on people or things and develop peace within you. Your relationships with people and pleasant feelings associated with them - will simply be a cherry on the top of the delicious icing of your cake. Develop a yummy cake within you. If you don't have it, guess what? People will eventually want to run from you. You will feel alone, craving connection again. And the cycle will continue. Cut that cycle. Look inside get to know yourself and bake your cake.

5. You don't react negatively in your interactions with people.

It is natural to react negatively if you feel a negative emotion inside. For example, if someone “makes” you feel “not seen” , “left out” , “abandoned” ,“rejected” , “accused”, “ hurt”, “inferior” , “not enough”, "unworthy" and etc. – you may naturally react negatively in that given circumstance, like fight back or fly away, kind of like a fight-or-flight response. A person who is emotionally intelligent will not act on these false ( based on the past) feelings and choose to be proactive instead, as opposed to reactive. Most of the time the feelings of abandonment, inferiority, not enough and etc come from you and have nothing to do with another person. You feel it because of you, not someone else. Resolve your “old dark” feelings and build up your self- esteem. Hypnosis can help you reprogram your beliefs and resolve the hang ups of the past.

6. You stay connected to a Higher Way of thinking.

You always feel secure, if you practice your connection to a Higher Source ( whatever you want to call it). In that space, you always feel loved, accepted, enough and capable. Old feelings of self-judgment or inadequacy will have zero control over you, ever. Use whatever meditation you want to train your emotional and mental muscle, daily. 

7. You are able to see the big picture.

If you are able to “pull out” of yourself, you will detach from your feelings and emotions into a neutral space. With this ability, you will see yourself, your life and interactions with people from a different perspective. This ability requires a special skill, you can develop it with meditation and NLP exercises, like Meta Position. By pulling out into Meta, you will gain a broader perspective, feel calmer, think rationally and gain access to powerful inner resources, like confidence, clarity, peace, compassion, patience and etc.

8. You are self-aware.

Have you ever seen a child with his or her parent throwing a tantrum, crying for attention or demanding something? This child is unaware of himself/herself. Unfortunately, some adults still do that, especially in relationships with people, work or personal. They throw tantrums. This is an emotional challenge that can cause tremendous discord. If you do that as an adult, you are completely unaware of yourself. If you are ever about to have an emotional reaction or a tantrum, stop and BECOME FULLY AWARE of yourself. Go to the bathroom, breath, look at yourself in the mirror. Feel your body, feel your breath, feel your feet on the floor. Really look and see you. Wait and let the emotions subside. Your reactions and responses will come from a more secure and wise place within you.

9. You listen to people with genuine interest, compassion and kindness.

You have resolved your inner demons. You know that life doesn't revolve around you and your “unresolved emotions” anymore. Now you are curious about people. You care about them, you want to get to know them, their journeys, stories and views. You give your attention to people without wanting (demanding) anything back. You are fully aware of yourself. Have you ever seen a wise old man or a woman full of joy mentoring and giving back, unconditionally attentive and curious? This usually comes at an old age for some people. Emotionally intelligent people practice that early on in life. Stay curious, don't judge, give unconditionally.

10. You are kind to yourself and others.

Yell? Snap? Demand? Get grumpy and angry? Or Talk, Listen, Breath, Accept, Smile, Stay Calm, Loving and Kind? You have a choice.

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